It is hard to explain what it's like to have your father take his final breath right in your arms and collapse into lifelessness. Death for my father came fiercely and unexpectedly, yet in the embrace of his family with words like "I've got you, I've got you, you're not alone in this," there was and always will be tremendous and powerful grace. For me, this shocking event took place September 18th, 2011 around 1:15pm in the home of my father who had terminal lung cancer. With open arms he was embraced by his family, just as he embraced life itself.

Wide Open Embrace

As I recall the final moments of his life, his body was suddenly very weak, his breaths were short and labored, and his last words were in desperate search of morphine for pain relief. It was at this very moment that my brother and I arrived on the scene. Immediately I sat beside him, propping him up, rubbing his back, telling him that he was with family, and that I would not leave him. It was as if he waited for us to arrive, wanting to see us one last time before letting go. There was no time for final words, and no time for last goodbye's. Within five minutes he was gone.

Upon his final breath his body was still, his mind was empty of thoughts, and his eyes gazed quietly out into infinity. Knowing he could still hear me and still feel me, I continued to hold him, rub his back, and whisper to him, "I've got you, I've got you. You're not alone. It's okay." The moments beyond that were half-real, and half a dream. The room became very quiet, with the silence only broken with tears of sadness at the passing of a great man.

My father lived life as a rising sun, bringing light into this world, and he passed quickly into the horizon, with all the majesty and serenity of a sunset. For me, there was nothing to do but meet this event with full presence, wide open arms, and a gentle heart of compassion for a man parting familiar shores for the great and vast unknown. This experience is something we ALL must face, and there is nothing we can do to prevent it, but we CAN develop a heart that is wide open to everything it meets, including suffering and death, so that we may part peacefully from this human life.

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling

My father James Leo Kerwin was a tremendous man, a die-hard Irish who bled green, and my personal hero. EVERYONE, and I mean everyone loved him, probably because he loved everyone so openly. You would NEVER hear my father say anything bad about anyone. He always campaigned for the underdog, and had such a love of nature, simple things, and the joys of life and living. He was always up for new adventure and always had a smile on his face. You just couldn't keep the guy down, and you especially couldn't keep him off the golf course on a sunny day.

As a young man I was too busy playing video games indoors to appreciate what my father was pointing me towards with all his "talks on the side." He took me (as well as my brothers) camping and fishing, and tried to point me towards the stars, but I just wanted to know where the next bit of entertainment could be found, and I completely missed my father's wisdom. Years later, as I grew out of my "cave of solitude" and actually started looking curiously at the world around me, I finally began to see what my father saw when he would stare out at the water with awe and wonder. Now that I have seen what he was pointing me towards, I am forever changed, and I have dedicated my career to pointing others towards the still horizon, especially the stillness within.

Beautiful Sunrise, Beautiful Sunset.

I write this memoir to serve as a reminder of the impermanence and fragility of this life, and the importance of us paying special attention to what is around us, and what is within us. TODAY, pet your dog, kiss your spouse, take risks, unplug from the TV and watch a live sunset. Go golfing and enjoy the quiet. Help out a friend, make a phone call you have been putting off. But more than anything treat life as a grand adventure, as my father did. Practice patience, courage, and serenity wherever and whenever it is offered. Because if you cannot smile at the simple beauties of life, how do you plan on being able to handle the greatest challenge ever; death?  Put a fire in your belly regarding a spiritual practice, and give it all you got! Because life is made of time, and this clock only has so many ticks before it runs out of juice. 

In birth, we leave behind the familiar darkness of the womb and enter into the bright and noisy world of this human life. Completely helpless, scared, and out of our element, we are met with the embrace of our mother and father's warmth, that finally calms us and brings us peace. In death, we leave the familiar noise and light behind, for the once familiar darkness. Completely helpless, scared, and once again out of our element, we leave this small shell behind and expand into the wild unknown. Birth, like sunrise, Death like a sunset. This life is such: Beautiful sunrise, Beautiful sunset.

I held you father as you held me. The cycle is complete. On the day I hold my son, I will hold you once again, for you are in me, and I in you.

In loving memory of my greatest teacher and hero, 

You are loved, and deeply missed.

 James Leo Kerwin  September 15th, 1952 - September 18th, 2011

 *James is survived by his loving wife, four strong sons, three wonderful grandchildren, and a host of family and friends.